I’m eating toothpaste now. But, for good reason.

I’m going to try a new diet technique that involves toothpaste.  I usually make a deliberate effort to spit out my toothpaste when I brush.  This is because it makes me nauseous. Well, it’s taken me all these years to realize this is exactly what I need. 

Toothpaste, I love you.

From here on out, I will swallow my toothpaste.  This genius idea (remember, I’m a complete genius wasting my time on this blog and in my routine existence) spawned further contemplation on the many uses of toothpaste.  Growing up my mom used toothpaste as a household fix-it-all.  We filled in holes in the wall, she would mix it will baking soda and clean everything in the bathroom with it, and she preferred to wash her veggies in a toothpaste mixture. 

If you want more ideas on toothpaste…here’s someonelses list… http://www.wisebread.com/two-dozen-uses-for-toothpaste-aside-from-cleaning-your-teeth

“I HAVE A NICE ASS!”

I bought a new pencil skirt simple because it made someone elses ass look good.  I know.  Here’s the review:

From : Nora Feb 13, 2009	FIVE STARS
OMG! i bought this skirt for a school presentation in november, but i didn’t wear it until today at a science presentation. My measurements are 34-27-38, and i don’t really have hips, so the 38 is all butt. i bought a medium cuz the small was too much ass for school. Now, let me tell you how hot i felt! Guys who i had never talked to before were saying hi to me, dudes all over the room were checking me out, some boys in my class kept asking me to turn around! IT WAS AWESOME!!!!! i will but more, in different colors! I HAVE A NICE ASS!

 

I’m looking for hot.  We’ll see, the skirt should be here tomorrow.  If you’ve been moved, by Nora’s review, to purchase this skirt…head over to http://www.americanapparel.net

I love you hookers.

Things I’m avioding…from now until eternity (because at that point I won’t care)

• puddles
• high fructose corn syrup
• bullies
• sugar
• “enriched” foods
• the Gap (too generic)
• gyms- not my style and I realize that now
• boring books- of course I’ll start a few, but I know when they’re boring.  I won’t put myself through reading an entire boring book.  That’s stupid. The only time you do that is when you’re being tested on that shit.
• trans fats and hydrogenated ones too
• oh, of course saturated fats
• putting things off
• bad spirits
• bad harmony
• bad intentions
• people who don’t take my feelings seriously
• people who can’t laugh at themselves (and people who don’t laugh at me.  I’m fucking hilarious!)
• doughnuts- its really a slippery slope.  I’ll eat them, but only if I make them at home
• staying in bed all day when I’m healthy and able bodied.  Again, another slippery slope.  Even if I just move to the couch, I will move my body out of bed every day.
• fast food that’s marketing as a _____ bowl (burrito bowl, mashed potato bowl, chicken and mashed potato bowl)  Yuck, this shit is gross. But, it taste so good. No, it’s gross, It’s gross, it’s gross, it’s gross. 
• elastic waist band britches in public- that elastic waist is a slippery slope towards hippo waist size
• velvet shirts- lame, just don’t do it

It’s really beautiful outside today and I plan on enjoying.  I’ve just finished my tomato soup and I’ll take my dog Big Chuck out for a walk.  That should give the crane and boom hoist enough time to arrive.  I’ll need those for my bike ride.  Because I haven’t hoisted this lard tubby self onto a bike in a while and I’ll need professional assistance. I hate being fat.  Good news is that after a week of eating reasonable and walking 1 mile a day….I’ve lost a pound.  A whole pound.  Who knew eating less and exercising more would cause wight loss?

One down and 400 more to go!

I need a fake head…to carry with me on the bus, of course

I’m always looking for new ways to creep people out while on the bus.  I usually can’t even compete with the true weirdos that join me on my way to work, but I try.  Today, I found a new way to creep.

It started like any other morning bus ride.  I stepped on to a mildly busy bus and took the first empty seat (I, of course, like to spread out).  I sat behind this cool kid who rides the morning bus with me. He had on guy liner, a black hoodie and a black and white checked scarf.  Here’s what I know about him: he wears mostly black, he’s not gay (but “gets that all the time”), he paints his fingernails, he works part time, and goes to beauty school full-time.

The ride was uneventful.  But when this dude stood up to walk out I saw a little head peaking out of his dancewear duffle bag. It had blonde hair and made me want to start carry one with me. Because dude is in beauty school, it was obviioulsy one of those training heads. I see these things at the thrift stores every once-in-a-while.

I don’t know why he had it hidden in his bag. That sort of thing will certainly keep strangers away. Well, now that I think about it, maybe its better to keep your heads in your duffel bag.

p.s. I finally dropped my e-diets. What a waste of money. If I ever spend money on a diet product again, it will be on fat camp.  I would love to go to fat camp- it would have to be intense and last at least three months.

My day in pictures…

I want to be a skinny bitch—

I googled “skinny bitches tips”…I don’t want to buy the book.  Anyways…it only returned stupid shit like,

1. Cut down on your alcohol intake.

2. Cut down on your fast food intake.

3. Exercise regularly.

I’m not doing this shit. I want to starve, take pills, or do stupid stretch/breathing techniques like the hooker below (p.s. I’m starting this shit tonight!).  I need help with the correct way to starve, not proper eating habits.

HELP. 

Some of my ideas include eating grass (organic, of course), decoupaging my refrigerator with skinny bitches in bikinis, or having a strict cigarette and soda diet.

I’m going to go back to eating my oatmeal while I ponder my weekend of gluttony. (which, includes the consumption of half a buttermilk pie)

You carry your weight so well for a big girl

I’ve signed up for e-diets.  I must do something to save myself from myself; I’m out of control. Here’s my food diary from yesterday.

 

9:30 am- 1 donut (I was honest to sun-god hungry.)

11:15 am- 2 doughnuts (I was still hungry and sat through a long meeting fantasizing about my  doughnuts. What a rush of euphoria when I bit into that doughy ring of sweetness.)

12:30 pm- shared a bowl of queso (cheese, ground beef, guacamole, and sour cream) Chips and salsa Tortilla soup (this was lunch, but I was stuffed with delight after eating)

2:00 pm- 1 doughnut (I wasn’t really hungry, but sleepy.  And in my mind a doughnut will wake me up. This is when smoking would be helpful in losing weight.  If I smoked I would just go have a cig when I was sleepy or hungry or bored or stressed or daydreaming or talking or walking or awake or living- you know all the times I eat.)

2:30 pm-  1 doughnut (thankfully the last- again just wanted a snackie-snack, not really hungry)

3:30 pm- half a scrumptious candy bar thingy that included cake and strawberry filling. Yummy! (I remembered I had this delightful snack and had to enjoy it right away.)

8:30 pm- bowl of black beans with two slices of Havarti cheese (I was honestly hungry and it was dinner time.)

10:00 pm- bowl of Frosted Flakes, with fat free milk.  (This was an evening snack to help me go to sleep.  Also, I ate more than I wanted because when I went to pouring the flakes out they just bombarded the bowl and a bit more got out than I would have liked. And, everyone knows it’s rude to put cereal back in the box after they’ve escaped, what kind of karma would I be in store for if I put it back.)

 

This is probably a total of 3,000 calories. I’m disgusting, and my behavior is inexcusable.  I’m not sure the e-diets will help much, because I’ll still have to follow the shit.  Whatevs.

 

I’ve joined the Glycemic Index Diet plan. Here’s my plan for tomorrow.

 

Breakfast: Scrambled Eggs with Cheese, wheat bread and peanut butter (this is okay, but they want me to use egg whites…I’ll probably…no, I will use the entire egg.)

Snack one: Triscuits and ham (three fucking Triscuits!)

Lunch: Lean Cuisine (250 calories- bullshit but I’ll do it)

Snack two: Egg salad with pita (I have to pick another snack, this one involves a skillet)

Dinner: Turkey Sloppy Joe with salad (now we’re talking)

 

At the end of the day, I’m going to be hungry.  But if I plan my TV schedule accordingly I should be able to occupy my down time (a.k.a. not shoveling food into my mouth time) and get through the evening.  E-diets offers some wonderful and relatable tips.  For example, instead of telling me that I can walk for 45 mins and burn XXX calories. They tell me that in 45 minutes I can burn one tostada. If I want to burn off my two burritos I’ll have to walk 102 minutes.  It’s like they’ve been following me around. How much walking to burn off a bowl of queso and 5 doughnuts?

 

Hopefully with some dietary guidance (I won’t follow it strictly, but I will pay close attention) and my workouts I’ll see some physique improvements.  I’ve been serious about working out this week and haven’t missed a day!  I even weighed myself this morning and my little IKEA scale was showing a one pound loss.  Only 400 pounds to go!

 

Let me know if you want any of the recipes from tomorrow’s meal.  The Triscuits and ham is a very impressive crowd pleaser. 

 

I’m off to lunch- a Lebanese buffet.  Let the fantasizing begin.

 

What can you look forward to…my next blog, of course.  It’s going to be about my dad’s all time favorite movies.  It’ll be good. Promise.