This is on Dlisted.
Yoohoo Johnny. It’s me. (then a wink)
And in this young man’s pocket would be the following map:
Something has hit me like a ton of bricks on the back of the head during a snowstorm. I’ve realized (in a way I always knew) that something about my life will never be the same.
I’ll never be able to learn, practice or create choreography in my own home. That’s because Charlie thinks I’m dancing with him. And why wouldn’t he, he’s damn handsome.
Tonight, I knocked the shit out of his head and mine. I can’t imagine what would have happened if I had seriously hurt him. Can you imagine, on the phone with a vet, “I was learning ‘Single Ladies’ when I head butted my dog during the upswing of a head flip. He seems upset.”
Can you believe I’ve gone all of 2009 without learning Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” choreography? I can’t. I hate myself for not knowing. This leaves me one option. Give Charlie some Bennys (that’s hip for Benadryl) and lock him in the bedroom and learn those fucking moves. I’m going to have to send Mr. D out for some more DMD’s (that’s hip for Diet Mountain Dews, all the cool kids are drinking them).
I love this time of year for all the “Best of 2009” shows. I watched LOGO’s NewNowNext Pop Lab: Best of 2009, hosted by Mika. It’s just awesome pop videos from 2009 and it will save your life. For realz. Here Watch it at LOGO’s site.
This leads me to another pasture of thought. My new obsession with Mika. I like him with his first album. But with the new release, he’s making the rounds and frankly Dan Savage has some competition for this fag hag fantasy. Actually I think I can handle them both. In fact, it’s better this way. We won’t get tired of each other so quickly. Goddamnit! Mika is so cute and brilliant. I have new respect for pop music. He makes it hip and fresh and cool. Oh, and he only wears Christian Louboutin shoes, made for him. I love it. He’s such a brand whore, which is neccessary in pop music;but it’s cool because it’s not some Payless brand like Airwalks. It’s fucking Louboutin. Enough already.
I don’t know what it is about me, but I am irresistible to men of color and older white men. The Hispanic men love me, the Middle Eastern men love me, and the black men love me. Oh, I forgot hippies, they love me too. The older white dudes, like most white men, are hard to read. Sometimes they stare, hard, from across the way. Or they peek at me through a magazine or book. I suppose, they’re being discreet. Discretion is not at all what the other gentlemen practice. They are blatant and abruptly to their point. Which, in the end, their point is a compliment, I think. And, like the lady I am I accept graciously.
Today, such an abrupt moment happened. I was waiting to board the bus when an older (50-60) black man approached me. He said, “Thank you.” Remember I have my ear buds in, so I removed them and replied, “What’s that?” He repeated, “Thank you.” I said, “For what?” My suitor says, “For showing that figure off.” The only thing to say was, “Thank you.” Then he started in, it’s like they can’t contain their words. He told me I was the kind of woman that makes a man cheat. Again, your welcome and onto the bus I went.
This got me thinking about the other lines I’ve heard in the past. And I know this sort of thing happens to others. You know who you are, my fellow hookers. Ms. K is a prime example. We’ve been together and heard some things from dudes that is fucking ridiculous. I guess they think they’re complimenting us, or telling us about their “powers”, I don’t know. Maybe we have friendly faces or maybe its are boobies. No, it’s our friendly faces.
It’s been explained to me that men who are into me, are men who have had many women. You see, because they have so much experience they know what they want in a women, physically and sexually, that is. Again, I think these are compliments. At lease that’s how I’m going to take them. I have a feeling that when they think them in their head, they just don’t realize what it will sound like when it comes out. Or maybe these lines have worked on chicks before.
It all goes back to “getting in my pants” something my dad warned me about when I was ten. (I had all my “coming of age” talks early because I’m the youngest. My sister is three years older than I, and my parents were really overworked and tired. So killing two birds with one stone, or ruining two adolescents with one talk was preferred.)
Okay, so maybe I dress like a slut. Or have a face like a slut. I’ve been told on three occasions, by three different men, well one teenager and two men, that I have “dick sucking lips.” Okay, now that I’m writing this, I must look like a slut for guys to talk to me like that. Maybe it’s the pumps, maybe it’s the tight skirts or the red lips. Or maybe it’s the shirt that reads “I’m a slut and open for business.” In any case, I’m in good company and I’d rather be a slut than a bore.
So, I’ll continue to put some bass in my walk. Some of my heroes and fellow sluts…
Season Two of RuPaul’s Drag Race is casting…http://www.rupaulsdragracecasting.com/
Ru is in Austin. So close…
I am and I’d like to know who to discuss this show with. I’m sure my sister is catching every episode. I think I’ve missed a few, so that will be a weekend project for me. The skinny on this show…It’s a Top Model for drag queens. And, appropriately, RuPaul is the host.
Some of my favorites are Bebe Zahara Benet (with the top hat) and Ongina (with the orange traffic cone). Last week they battled for their life, the two of them were up for elimination. They had to lip sync for their life, and they did. Their song was “Stronger” by Brit Brit and Bebe sang and danced her weave off, literally. Ongina was told to sashe off the stage. Translation, she lost.