For Breakfast

This morning, I called in an order for creamed chipped beef.  My country-fried dad would make a similar recipe, which he called SOS (shit on a shingle).  Class act.  This is one of those disgusting dishes that you dream about.

The creamed chipped beef (CCB) comes with a waffle and potatoes.  So that’s toast, covered in cream gravy, with a little bit of beef sprinkled in, potatoes on the side and a waffle. It’s carb-erific.

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Callanetics and Crash Dieting, my new BFs

I’m starting a new crash diet that I’ve named AB Diet.  So, if anyone you work with or sleep with starts using this term…punch them in the boob.  It’s my diet, all mine. 

Now, about this AB Diet.  It is so named because I will eat (mostly) apples and beans.  And by beans I really mean legumes, but AB sounds better than AL.  And only really old people or pretentious people use the term legume to talk about beans.  If this offends any of my readers, please let me know.  I aim to please and will retract any story or change my opinion if doing so garners additional friends/readers/stalkers/lovers.

In addition to eating apples and beans I plan to start doing or practicing Callanetics.  I’ve already placed a book on request with my library! What I need next is a flashy onesy that coordinates with some leg warmers.  Think Jane Fonda, but with bigger boobies.

321_jane_fonda_80s

 

I think the Callanetics will help with my goal of doing the splits.  I may even be fit enough to start stripping for extra cash.  I’ll definitely have new moves (you know, from the Callanetics and I’ll have the outfits as well).

Below are some of my stripper moves- compliments of www.callanetics.com/method.php

splits

picMethod1

p.s. I stopped eating toothpaste, but only because I forgot.

Things I’m avioding…from now until eternity (because at that point I won’t care)

  • puddles
  • high fructose corn syrup
  • bullies
  • sugar
  • “enriched” foods
  • the Gap (too generic)
  • gyms- not my style and I realize that now
  • boring books- of course I’ll start a few, but I know when they’re boring.  I won’t put myself through reading an entire boring book.  That’s stupid. The only time you do that is when you’re being tested on that shit.
  • trans fats and hydrogenated ones too
  • oh, of course saturated fats
  • putting things off
  • bad spirits
  • bad harmony
  • bad intentions
  • people who don’t take my feelings seriously
  • people who can’t laugh at themselves (and people who don’t laugh at me.  I’m fucking hilarious!)
  • doughnuts- its really a slippery slope.  I’ll eat them, but only if I make them at home
  • staying in bed all day when I’m healthy and able bodied.  Again, another slippery slope.  Even if I just move to the couch, I will move my body out of bed every day.
  • fast food that’s marketing as a _____ bowl (burrito bowl, mashed potato bowl, chicken and mashed potato bowl)  Yuck, this shit is gross. But, it taste so good. No, it’s gross, It’s gross, it’s gross, it’s gross. 
  • elastic waist band britches in public- that elastic waist is a slippery slope towards hippo waist size
  • velvet shirts- lame, just don’t do it

It’s really beautiful outside today and I plan on enjoying.  I’ve just finished my tomato soup and I’ll take my dog Big Chuck out for a walk.  That should give the crane and boom hoist enough time to arrive.  I’ll need those for my bike ride.  Because I haven’t hoisted this lard tubby self onto a bike in a while and I’ll need professional assistance. I hate being fat.  Good news is that after a week of eating reasonable and walking 1 mile a day….I’ve lost a pound.  A whole pound.  Who knew eating less and exercising more would cause wight loss?

One down and 400 more to go!

I want to be a skinny bitch—

I googled “skinny bitches tips”…I don’t want to buy the book.  Anyways…it only returned stupid shit like,

1. Cut down on your alcohol intake.

2. Cut down on your fast food intake.

3. Exercise regularly.

I’m not doing this shit. I want to starve, take pills, or do stupid stretch/breathing techniques like the hooker below (p.s. I’m starting this shit tonight!).  I need help with the correct way to starve, not proper eating habits.

HELP. 

Some of my ideas include eating grass (organic, of course), decoupaging my refrigerator with skinny bitches in bikinis, or having a strict cigarette and soda diet.

I’m going to go back to eating my oatmeal while I ponder my weekend of gluttony. (which, includes the consumption of half a buttermilk pie)

Ice cream sandwiches, Movies and Expectations

This weekend was uneventful.  My main objective was to work on my tan and that fell through, but I don’t think of myself as a failure. I did accomplish quite a bit for a steamy hot weekend in the south.  Saturday was busy with my sister, thrifting and movie watching. Sunday, I barely left my couch and I certainly didn’t leave my house. I did clean my house and do laundry (from start to finish!). I took a nap from 10AM-3PM and still managed to go to bed around midnight. I watched five movies over the entire weekend. Oh, and I paid two bills on time!   Oh yeah!!!

 

Jumper

 

Strange Wilderness

 

Semi-Pro (watched twice)

 

Balls of Fury

 

But by far my favorite pick of the weekend is Eagle versus Shark starring Jemaine Clement of Flight of the Conchords

 

I didn’t follow my diet plan this weekend; I didn’t even look at the e-diets website.  I need to go grocery shopping if I plan to eat according to their plan, so that won’t happen for at least a week.  Over the weekend I ate queso, ice cream sandwiches (yup I said sandwiches, plural), and instant mash potatoes. But this is a new week and a new day and a new opportunity for success. I went to log on to e-diets to enter my progress, which was surprisingly 1lb thinner (1lb sexier, 1lb closer to my new super model career)!  Then they threw up an inspirational quote “to keep up my momentum.” 

 

 
“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.”

-Thomas Jefferson
(btw, this is e-diets motivational pic, not mine)

 

 

 

I bet Thom was talking about weight loss; he struggled the same as I. This inspired me to change my plan off the Glycemic thing and on to a basic e-diet plan. I already love the new plan, because for lunch it says to have a Lean Cuisine beans and rice with salad and yogurt!  This sounds like a very satisfying lunch, but I’m planning on a chili dog for lunch! Okay, so tomorrow is a new day, or whatever. Tomorrow I plan to munch on Uncle Ben’s Ready Rice, Spanish style. I have very low expectations, very low.

 

I’ll leave you with some fun pics, compliments of http://www.funpic.hu/en.index.php.

I know this indicates otherwise, but I swear this is in Mesquite, TX.

 

   

My co-workers and me, carpooling to work.

 My co-workers and me on our way to work.

   WTF!  I’m scared.

 

 
Next post, I promise will be my dad’s favorite movies, of all time. He’s really putting a lot of thought into each movie selection.  He said, “I have to pick carefully, what if I’m stuck with these my whole life.”  I don’t even know what that means, so I can’t argue with it.

 

 

You carry your weight so well for a big girl

I’ve signed up for e-diets.  I must do something to save myself from myself; I’m out of control. Here’s my food diary from yesterday.

 

9:30 am– 1 donut (I was honest to sun-god hungry.)

11:15 am– 2 doughnuts (I was still hungry and sat through a long meeting fantasizing about my  doughnuts. What a rush of euphoria when I bit into that doughy ring of sweetness.)

12:30 pm– shared a bowl of queso (cheese, ground beef, guacamole, and sour cream) Chips and salsa Tortilla soup (this was lunch, but I was stuffed with delight after eating)

2:00 pm 1 doughnut (I wasn’t really hungry, but sleepy.  And in my mind a doughnut will wake me up. This is when smoking would be helpful in losing weight.  If I smoked I would just go have a cig when I was sleepy or hungry or bored or stressed or daydreaming or talking or walking or awake or living- you know all the times I eat.)

2:30 pm–  1 doughnut (thankfully the last- again just wanted a snackie-snack, not really hungry)

3:30 pm half a scrumptious candy bar thingy that included cake and strawberry filling. Yummy! (I remembered I had this delightful snack and had to enjoy it right away.)

8:30 pm– bowl of black beans with two slices of Havarti cheese (I was honestly hungry and it was dinner time.)

10:00 pm bowl of Frosted Flakes, with fat free milk.  (This was an evening snack to help me go to sleep.  Also, I ate more than I wanted because when I went to pouring the flakes out they just bombarded the bowl and a bit more got out than I would have liked. And, everyone knows it’s rude to put cereal back in the box after they’ve escaped, what kind of karma would I be in store for if I put it back.)

 

This is probably a total of 3,000 calories. I’m disgusting, and my behavior is inexcusable.  I’m not sure the e-diets will help much, because I’ll still have to follow the shit.  Whatevs.

 

I’ve joined the Glycemic Index Diet plan. Here’s my plan for tomorrow.

 

Breakfast: Scrambled Eggs with Cheese, wheat bread and peanut butter (this is okay, but they want me to use egg whites…I’ll probably…no, I will use the entire egg.)

Snack one: Triscuits and ham (three fucking Triscuits!)

Lunch: Lean Cuisine (250 calories- bullshit but I’ll do it)

Snack two: Egg salad with pita (I have to pick another snack, this one involves a skillet)

Dinner: Turkey Sloppy Joe with salad (now we’re talking)

 

At the end of the day, I’m going to be hungry.  But if I plan my TV schedule accordingly I should be able to occupy my down time (a.k.a. not shoveling food into my mouth time) and get through the evening.  E-diets offers some wonderful and relatable tips.  For example, instead of telling me that I can walk for 45 mins and burn XXX calories. They tell me that in 45 minutes I can burn one tostada. If I want to burn off my two burritos I’ll have to walk 102 minutes.  It’s like they’ve been following me around. How much walking to burn off a bowl of queso and 5 doughnuts?

 

Hopefully with some dietary guidance (I won’t follow it strictly, but I will pay close attention) and my workouts I’ll see some physique improvements.  I’ve been serious about working out this week and haven’t missed a day!  I even weighed myself this morning and my little IKEA scale was showing a one pound loss.  Only 400 pounds to go!

 

Let me know if you want any of the recipes from tomorrow’s meal.  The Triscuits and ham is a very impressive crowd pleaser. 

 

I’m off to lunch- a Lebanese buffet.  Let the fantasizing begin.

 

What can you look forward to…my next blog, of course.  It’s going to be about my dad’s all time favorite movies.  It’ll be good. Promise.