Today I’m bitter. Yesterday I was bitter.
I don’t know why, but I am. Okay, I do know why. But I don’t know why I’ve chosen to focus on all these things today. Maybe it’s the weather, maybe it’s because I’m hungry, maybe it’s because my bi-polar is rearing it’s head again. Either way this is what the professionals call my depressive state. It will likely clear up (like my adult pimples) in a few days. Or if I need to clear it up sooner (like my adult pimples) I can use medication. The problem for those around me is that I like my ups and downs. I like to stay there and revel (or wallow as my mom says) in my missery/anger/bitterness and visa versa my joy/content/gitty. I’ll even medicate to stay in these place longer.
So this time, I’m bitter. Like I said, nothing particular happened to put me in a bitter mind set. But, for me, it doesn’t take something particular or recent to trigger my mood change. In fact, it’s sometimes as simple as a song, a smell, a conversation or worse, nothing at all. I’m bitter.
This is a comfortable place for me. Anger on the other hand is not. But bitter, lonely, happy, silly, spontaneous, these are all my favorites. I’ve probably been bitter since I was about seven. Yes, seven years old. This puts me in 1st grade and that’s when I started misbehaven. I spent a lot of time in the principle’s office getting “paddled” for my indescretions. Which, at seven included throwing rocks, pushing people, spitting, running away from my teachers and talking back. A lot has changed since seven. I don’t throw rocks at people, push people or spit. I still run away from teachers and other authority figures and I can’t help but talk back.
Back to my friend, “Bitter”. My first bitter feelings were towards myself, then my parents, then God, and then the principle of my elementary school…I could go on, but I want to talk about my current bitterness. Today I’m bitter towards my job, my fatness, my family, the family I don’t have…But like I said, I like to revel in my bitter.
To suspend these feeling and maintain my state of mind, I listen to bitter jams while indulging in…let’s call them vitamins. Some of my fav jams:
“Me Myself I” Joan Armatrading
“What I Got” Sublime
“Private Dancer” Tina Turner
“Wake up Alone” Amy Winehouse
“Those Three Days” by Lucinda Williams– if you want to listen, I found a video. It starts out with a huge weirdo reciting a poem, but hang in there, after about 20 seconds the song begins.
Crimson and Clover by Tommy James and The Shondrells
“Beast of Burden” The Rolling Stones
And a smattering of sounds from Soundgarden, Bush, some Oasis and some Counting Crows.
p.s. for my gals in honor of our game “How would it be”, Earthworm would have this song playing in the background. He would be hind you, with his arm around your waist and he would whisper the “yes” that follows “is it alright” No surprise I found this sound on the soundtrack of The L Word. You’ll love the cheesey slide show. That might be playing on a large wall during dinner. The song is “Alright” by Kinnie Star.