What a weekend. I spent most of my precious weekend with my mom. She had big plans for us, which included a lot of work in the garden. The good news is that a chilly weather front came in on Friday evening and ruined her plans for gardening. The bad news was she had a Plan B, like she always does. She told me to come over whenever I wanted and we would have some chili. Easy, I can do that. I get anxious when I go somewhere and we don’t really have planned activities. I’m okay if we sit around and watch TV, that’s an activity to me and I thought that’s what I would be doing. Watching TV, playing with the dogs, eating chili and watching more TV. My mom is the same way except she doesn’t think watching TV is a legitimate activity, she needs a fucking curriculum. So, my mom planned some activities for us. First, she buttered me up (really she tricked me) with the enticement of unlimited Strongbows. We started out drinking. So now I’m thinking I drink, I watch TV, I play with dogs, I eat chili, and watch more TV and drink. I had two within an hour and she hadn’t finished her first, so I finished it for her. Then as we finished up our lunch, she tells me that she has a craft project she needs my help with.
My mom usually needs my help with reaching things up high or reaching for things behind the refrigerator. She thinks I’m tall and have incrediably long skinny arms. I’m not tall, 5’6″, and I absolutely do not have long or skinny arms.
But, help with a craft project…after two and half Strongbows, I was actually interested in seeing this craft. I envisioned something robust or tall that she needed my help lifting or to staple flowers to the top. Not the case. She had read an article in Woman’s Day or Redbook about a fun Easter craft. We were about to make SASSY CHICKS. I won’t go into the details of making these little creatures, but I will tell you this. They are about 1 inch tall and my mom plans to attach them to hats. Hats, yes hats. She plans to attach them to straw hats for herself and her dog Tigger. Don’t worry, she knows exactly how she’s going to do this, because she’s done this before, for a Pooch Parade.
Craft time finally wrapped. Which was surprisingly quick. Even a little drunk, warm as my mom calls it, I was able to create four sassy chicks in about 30 minutes. Our next activity was baking bread. She has a new toaster oven, so we needed to try out some bread recipes. We made whole wheat with raisins, sourdough with raisins, and Irish soda bread with raisins and cinnamon. That killed another two hours, but any activity with food involved is fun. Of course, I had two more Strongbows. Yes, by now I’m drunk. And yes, by now I’m drunk with my mom.
As we sat down to eat our bread, two pieces of each, she says she has a program she wants to watch me me. At first I thought it was going to be some Joel Olsteen re-runs, but no. It was a program called, “In the Womb” and yes, it was about babies in the womb. Because it was recorded she was able to pause, rewind, and fucking slow-mo that shit. I don’t know if you know what happens in a womb, but it’s pretty much in slow-mo naturally. So, watching this shit in slow-mo was more boring that my drunk self was ready to deal with. But, in true form, to deal with this boredom I started snacking on our fresh baked bread and drinking more. Two hours later, the “In the Womb” program was over. Here’s a clip, if you’re curious…
I needed to “cool off” as my mom said, before I could leave so we watched some recorded “The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.” My mom said, “He’s hilarious, even for a Scot.”
p.s. to catch Roy of Sigfried and Roy in a skeletor mask- tune in to 20/20 this Friday.