Nerd

I’m tired of us pretending that nerds are cool.  They’re not.  If you’re cool, then you’re not a nerd.  You could be a quirky cool person, but you’re not a nerd.  The guy in this 9-1-1 call is a nerd.  I hope the 9-1-1 operator told this jerk, “You’re not dead.  you’re stoned. And you’re a nerd for calling 9-1-1.”

Show me how…

Do people really watch sex how to’s to really learn things?  I always thought they were church-types porno tapes. You know, they would never own a porno video, but a video of two people fucking…along with bullet points and instructor guidance is completely harmless.

This is a long story…I’ll make it short. I was looking for Eddie Izzard DVDs on my library’s website.  I found one such DVD, the British sketch comedy “We Know Where You Live.” I place it on hold.  Weeks go by. I check my library account and see that a DVD called “We Know Where You Live” is in, but I’ve forgotten what that was.  So I search for it on Amazon, and BINGO, found it and remember. 

Next, because I’m always curious as to the other items purchased by those who also purchased my search item, I scroll down. Here are the first three titles I saw.

lie wtih meLie With Me (2005)

 

 

 

 

 

candy girlCandy Girls, Vol. 3 (2008)

 

 

 

 

 

elements of desire

Elements of Desire

 

 

 

 

As you can see, these are all porn tapes (probably soft-core).  Well, you know me and porn. My curiosity piqued and I clicked to “see more51K092P659L__SL500_AA240_” and found myself perusing the sex how-tos.  I get that you can learn techniques.  Like a “Learn to Blow Like a Pro” video would be helpful.  I made that title up, BTW.  But, a video titled “How to Make Love to a Women” can’t be a good idea. I mean look at the fucking chair she’s on.  I’m not taking advice from someone with taste that putrid.

But, maybe I’m too judgemental.  Maybe I should give the video a spin in the old VHS.  After all, listen to this women’s review of “Nina Hartley’s How to Make Love to a Woman.”

 
5.0 out of 5 stars
Oh my god that’s good, February 1, 2005
By  A. Alhino (Berkeley, ca United States) – See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

To all the men who think this DVD is a waste of time:

My husband watched this DVD at a hotel without me, and when he arrived home, we had one of our best encounters ever.

Ever.

This DVD explains in detail — concise, careful, easy to follow detail — techniques that worked better than I’d ever dreamed. As a matter of fact, he’s reading this over my shoulder right now and…actually…I’m going to log off. WATCH THIS VIDEO.

Wait a minute, he’s reading this over your shoulder?  And you have to log off right now?  Well, A. Alhino, that isn’t your husband reading over your shoulder.  It’s your dad.

 

-bye lovelies…it’s almost time to leave and I think I‘ve worked hard enough for one day.

Thank you. You’re welcome. Bend over. Fuck off.

I don’t know what it is about me, but I am irresistible to men of color and older white men. The Hispanic men love me, the Middle Eastern men love me, and the black  men love me.  Oh, I forgot hippies, they love me too. The older white dudes, like most white men, are hard to read.  Sometimes they stare, hard, from across the way.  Or they peek at me through a magazine or book.  I suppose, they’re being discreet.  Discretion is not at all what the other gentlemen practice. They are blatant and abruptly to their point. Which, in the end,  their point is a compliment, I think.  And, like the lady I am I accept graciously.

Today, such an abrupt moment happened.  I was waiting to board the bus when an older (50-60) black man approached me.  He said, “Thank you.”  Remember I have my ear buds in, so I removed them and replied, “What’s that?”  He repeated, “Thank you.”  I said, “For what?”  My suitor says, “For showing that figure off.”  The only thing to say was, “Thank you.”  Then he started in, it’s like they can’t contain their words.  He told me I was the kind of woman that makes a man cheat.  Again, your welcome and onto the bus I went.

This got me thinking about the other lines I’ve heard in the past. And I know this sort of thing happens to others. You know who you are, my fellow hookers.  Ms. K is a prime example.  We’ve been together and heard some things from dudes that is fucking ridiculous. I guess they think they’re complimenting us, or telling us about their “powers”, I don’t know. Maybe we have friendly faces or maybe its are boobies.  No, it’s our friendly faces.

It’s been explained to me that men who are into me, are men who have had many women. You see, because they have so much experience they know what they want in a women, physically and sexually, that is.  Again, I think these are compliments. At lease that’s how I’m going to take them. I  have a feeling that when they think them in their head, they just don’t realize what it will sound like when it comes out. Or maybe these lines have worked on chicks before.

It all goes back to “getting in my pants” something my dad warned me about when I was ten.  (I had all my “coming of age” talks early because I’m the youngest.  My sister is three years older than I, and my parents were really overworked and tired.  So killing two birds with one stone, or ruining two adolescents with one talk was preferred.)

not a hero, but she has my shirt onOkay, so maybe I dress like a slut.  Or have a face like a slut.  I’ve been told on three occasions, by three different men, well one teenager and two men, that I have “dick sucking lips.”  Okay, now that I’m writing this, I must look like a slut for guys to talk to me like that.  Maybe it’s the pumps, maybe it’s the tight skirts or the red lips.  Or maybe it’s the shirt that reads “I’m a slut and open for business.”  In any case, I’m in good company and I’d rather be a slut than a bore.

 

 

 

 

 

So, I’ll continue to put some bass in my walk.  Some of my heroes and fellow sluts…

blanche

eltongoggles

cinderella-pose

oprah

madonnaroselandgi4

 

queen-mum

rupaul-ho

julia-child-with-rolling-pins

 

259328cher-posters

koko-and-mr-rogers

In case you didn't know, this is Koko- the sign language gorilla- with Mr. Rogers. Both are my heroes.

wizarddorothy2

richard-simmons