TV makes me smarter

Nurse Jackie

I love this show.  You all probably know about this show, so I won’t bore you with the summary.  It’s wonderfully written, poignant, and timely. Last night’s episode left me with a line I have been tweaking and slipping into my daily vernacular.  A dying cancer-ridden nurse says, “I’m up to my tits in tragedy.  What do I care?”

I’ve changed it to: “I’m up to my tits in phone calls!” and “I’m up to my tits in e-mails!”  I haven’t been much more creative than this.

Eastbound and Down

It’s hard to describe this racy mix of curse words and stunning lyrical language.  I tried to find a clip of my favorite quote from this show, but no luck.  So allow me to set the scene offer some background.  Kenny (our protagonist) falls on his luck and is forced out of Major League baseball.  This fall from glory was sprinkled with cocaine and cuss words.  Not to worry, Kenny is a champion and determined to bounce back.  He returns to his home town in North Carolina to find a job so the IRS can garnish his wages.  He lives with his brother and his family when he lands a job as a substitute PE teacher at a middle school.  It’s here he is reunited with his high school sweet heart, April, which has totally moved on and now engaged.  That doesn’t stop Kenny, remember, he’s a champion.  Mayhem ensues, alcohol is consumed, blow is tooted and hearts are broken along the way.  Eventually Kenny convinces April to have sex with him.  The line that seals the deal, “Listen here you beautiful bitch.  I’m about to fuck your mind with some truth.” 

If you start watching the show, give it a few episodes.  It’s definitely raunchy humor, some may say low brow.  But it’s funny.

Todd Oldham is Ferosh!!!

toddoldhamI have a crush on the ferocious Todd Oldham.  If I were to need invitations, I’d call him.  If I needed a fresh flowers, I’d call him.  He’s amazing. I love his textiles and graphics.  I love them!  I love him. His website is groovy, too.

And my next craft project is going to be a photo shoot inspired by Mr. Oldham.  Because, btw, I’m a lookbook member, now.  That’s right hookers.

On my fantasy friend list (haven’t officially started one) I would add Todd. And probably Cindy Crawford.  Well, maybe not.  Remember the MTV show with the two of them…his segment was called (I think) Todd Time.  the show was MTV House of Style. The video below is Cindy butching it up and promoting House of Style.  It’s only 30 seconds, watch it.

Another video, this time with Todd and the incomparable Amy Sedaris.  Amy would definitely be in my fantasy friend group. I fucking love her and Bravo or maybe it should be HBO, needs to give this funny, creative hooker her own craft and fun show. In the meantime, enjoy this video of the two of them decoupaging a table.  First they make the table, yikes.  Notice that sweet little Amy is wearing a tool belt.  She’s a kook! 

There’s a photo of Amy on Todd’s website under the photo section…jump to it– and it reminds me of my friend Ms. A (her blog).  Ms. A, I think this could be a glamour shot set, it would incorporate George Michael (her dog).

Todd has other videos, just search for Todd Oldham Hand Made Modern. Also, I’m checking his book out from the library, it’s called…wait for it…wait for it…wait a little longer…Hand Made Modern by Todd Oldham. 

Mom. Strongbow. Sassy Chicks. Strongbow. Bread. Strongbow. In the Womb. Strongbow.

What a weekend. I spent most of my precious weekend with my mom.  She had big plans for us, which included a lot of work in the garden.  The good news is that a chilly weather front came in on Friday evening and ruined her plans for gardening. The bad news was she had a Plan B, like she always does. She told me to come over whenever I wanted and we would have some chili. Easy, I can do that.  I get anxious when I go somewhere and we don’t really have planned activities.  I’m okay if we sit around and watch TV, that’s an activity to me and I thought that’s what I would be doing.  Watching TV, playing with the dogs, eating chili and watching more TV.  My mom is the same way except she doesn’t think watching TV is a legitimate activity, she needs a fucking curriculum. So, my mom planned some activities for us.  First, she buttered me up (really she tricked me) with the enticement of unlimited Strongbows. We started out drinking.  So now I’m thinking I drink, I watch TV, I play with dogs, I eat chili, and watch more TV and drink.  I had two within an hour and she hadn’t finished her first, so I finished it for her.  Then as we finished up our lunch, she tells me that she has a craft project she needs my help with.

My mom usually needs my help with reaching things up high or reaching for things behind the refrigerator.  She thinks I’m tall and have incrediably long skinny arms.  I’m not tall, 5’6″, and I absolutely do not have long or skinny arms. 

But, help with a craft project…after two and half Strongbows, I was actually interested in seeing this craft.  I envisioned something robust or tall that she needed my help lifting or to staple flowers to the top. Not the case.  She had read an article in Woman’s Day or Redbook about a fun Easter craft.  We were about to make SASSY CHICKS. I won’t go into the details of making these little creatures, but I will tell you this.  They are about 1 inch tall and my mom plans to attach them to hats.  Hats, yes hats.  She plans to attach them to straw hats for herself and her dog Tigger.  Don’t worry, she knows exactly how she’s going to do this, because she’s done this before, for a Pooch Parade.

p22600201 

 

chicks

 

Craft time finally wrapped. Which was surprisingly quick.  Even a little drunk, warm as my mom calls it, I was able to create four sassy chicks in about 30 minutes.  Our next activity was baking bread. She has a new toaster oven, so we needed to try out some bread recipes.  We made whole wheat with raisins, sourdough with raisins, and Irish soda bread with raisins and cinnamon.  That killed another two hours, but any activity with food involved is fun.  Of course, I had two more Strongbows.  Yes, by now I’m drunk. And yes, by now I’m drunk with my mom.

As we sat down to eat our bread, two pieces of each, she says she has a program she wants to watch me me.  At first I thought it was going to be some Joel Olsteen re-runs, but no.  It was a program called, “In the Womb” and yes, it was about babies in the womb.  Because it was recorded she was able to pause, rewind, and fucking slow-mo that shit.  I don’t know if you know what happens in a womb, but it’s pretty much in slow-mo naturally.  So, watching this shit in slow-mo was more boring that my drunk self was ready to deal with.  But, in true form, to deal with this boredom I started snacking on our fresh baked bread and drinking more. Two hours later, the “In the Womb” program was over.  Here’s a clip, if you’re curious…

 

 I needed to “cool off” as my mom said, before I could leave so we watched some recorded “The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.”  My mom said, “He’s hilarious, even for a Scot.” 

p.s. to catch Roy of Sigfried and Roy in a skeletor mask- tune in to 20/20 this Friday.

TV Seigfried and Roy

I want to be a skinny bitch—

I googled “skinny bitches tips”…I don’t want to buy the book.  Anyways…it only returned stupid shit like,

1. Cut down on your alcohol intake.

2. Cut down on your fast food intake.

3. Exercise regularly.

I’m not doing this shit. I want to starve, take pills, or do stupid stretch/breathing techniques like the hooker below (p.s. I’m starting this shit tonight!).  I need help with the correct way to starve, not proper eating habits.

HELP. 

Some of my ideas include eating grass (organic, of course), decoupaging my refrigerator with skinny bitches in bikinis, or having a strict cigarette and soda diet.

I’m going to go back to eating my oatmeal while I ponder my weekend of gluttony. (which, includes the consumption of half a buttermilk pie)

Gotta see this…more videos

These aren’t the greatest, but they’ll pass some time and hopefully pick you up from that gloomy depressive state you’ve been in all day.

Dance Dance Revolution prodigy, 5yr old kicks some Dance Dance ass.

Fat kid bustin his fat ass to Dance Dance…funny twist at the end

Fat kid falls.  DON’T watch if  your memories of high school or junior high make your violent tendencies return.  Kids are so fucking cruel.

Okay video- I like it because it reminds me of something I did as a kid.  Thank God there wasn’t YouTube when I was younger.

Girl dancing- again reminds me of me, not as funny as Cubby’s version of Beyonce. But, take note of the lights turning on and off…she’s doing that at the wall.  Genius.

She really gives the light switch a workout in this video.  I hope this is the one Ms. A was referencing a few weeks ago.  What must this girls parents think.  She’s going to regret these some day.

True Life: My Life as a Regular Person

I’m watching True Life on MTV- this episode is about peer pressure.  Some chick is being pressured by her skanky friends from Hooters to get boobie implants (what she really needs is proactive, I’d rather have smaller tits with no acne than big boobies and big pimples).  Some dude is “falling into the rock star life” with increased drinking, drugging and maybe sex (I couldn’t tell). and the other dude is just fat and his friends want him to loose weight.  I don’t understand the last guy, because his friends are just trying to get his tubby self to loose some weight if he wants a girl. 

Anyways, the point of this blog is the ordinary-ness of my life.  And I actually like these ordinary parts the best.  I like watching TV and sitting in my bed with Mr. D, my dog and my cat. I like listening to DMX and breaking out into my best dance moves with Mr. D feeling possessed to join in.  I love laying in bed completely dead to the world, and one song bringing me to life.  Today, the song was “It’s my Turn” by Diana Ross.    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csjXPO-9O1Y

Mr. D is out getting donuts for us. After which I’ll probably go back to sleep for another few hours.  I also love watching funny cat videos.  I’m off to you tube to catch up on any new post, before my donuts get here. While on you tube, I’m going to check out the new Beyonce video.  I want her new dance moves from her “Single Ladies” Video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mVEGfH4s5g. Maybe they’ll be like a workout for me, the video kind of looks like a workout video.  She’s got some pretty sick moves hookers. And I need some sick moves to work off my donuts. 

I’ll leave you with a poll…

peace out hookers, Sweet