Things I’m avioding…from now until eternity (because at that point I won’t care)

• puddles
• high fructose corn syrup
• bullies
• sugar
• “enriched” foods
• the Gap (too generic)
• gyms- not my style and I realize that now
• boring books- of course I’ll start a few, but I know when they’re boring.  I won’t put myself through reading an entire boring book.  That’s stupid. The only time you do that is when you’re being tested on that shit.
• trans fats and hydrogenated ones too
• oh, of course saturated fats
• putting things off
• bad spirits
• bad harmony
• bad intentions
• people who don’t take my feelings seriously
• people who can’t laugh at themselves (and people who don’t laugh at me.  I’m fucking hilarious!)
• doughnuts- its really a slippery slope.  I’ll eat them, but only if I make them at home
• staying in bed all day when I’m healthy and able bodied.  Again, another slippery slope.  Even if I just move to the couch, I will move my body out of bed every day.
• fast food that’s marketing as a _____ bowl (burrito bowl, mashed potato bowl, chicken and mashed potato bowl)  Yuck, this shit is gross. But, it taste so good. No, it’s gross, It’s gross, it’s gross, it’s gross. 
• elastic waist band britches in public- that elastic waist is a slippery slope towards hippo waist size
• velvet shirts- lame, just don’t do it

It’s really beautiful outside today and I plan on enjoying.  I’ve just finished my tomato soup and I’ll take my dog Big Chuck out for a walk.  That should give the crane and boom hoist enough time to arrive.  I’ll need those for my bike ride.  Because I haven’t hoisted this lard tubby self onto a bike in a while and I’ll need professional assistance. I hate being fat.  Good news is that after a week of eating reasonable and walking 1 mile a day….I’ve lost a pound.  A whole pound.  Who knew eating less and exercising more would cause wight loss?

One down and 400 more to go!

You know you’re fat…

when you worry that your office stash of Tums tablets is getting low.

I only have 2 left!

I want to be a skinny bitch—

I googled “skinny bitches tips”…I don’t want to buy the book.  Anyways…it only returned stupid shit like,

1. Cut down on your alcohol intake.

2. Cut down on your fast food intake.

3. Exercise regularly.

I’m not doing this shit. I want to starve, take pills, or do stupid stretch/breathing techniques like the hooker below (p.s. I’m starting this shit tonight!).  I need help with the correct way to starve, not proper eating habits.

HELP. 

Some of my ideas include eating grass (organic, of course), decoupaging my refrigerator with skinny bitches in bikinis, or having a strict cigarette and soda diet.

I’m going to go back to eating my oatmeal while I ponder my weekend of gluttony. (which, includes the consumption of half a buttermilk pie)

Ice cream sandwiches, Movies and Expectations

This weekend was uneventful.  My main objective was to work on my tan and that fell through, but I don’t think of myself as a failure. I did accomplish quite a bit for a steamy hot weekend in the south.  Saturday was busy with my sister, thrifting and movie watching. Sunday, I barely left my couch and I certainly didn’t leave my house. I did clean my house and do laundry (from start to finish!). I took a nap from 10AM-3PM and still managed to go to bed around midnight. I watched five movies over the entire weekend. Oh, and I paid two bills on time!   Oh yeah!!!

 

Jumper

 

Strange Wilderness

 

Semi-Pro (watched twice)

 

Balls of Fury

 

But by far my favorite pick of the weekend is Eagle versus Shark starring Jemaine Clement of Flight of the Conchords

 

I didn’t follow my diet plan this weekend; I didn’t even look at the e-diets website.  I need to go grocery shopping if I plan to eat according to their plan, so that won’t happen for at least a week.  Over the weekend I ate queso, ice cream sandwiches (yup I said sandwiches, plural), and instant mash potatoes. But this is a new week and a new day and a new opportunity for success. I went to log on to e-diets to enter my progress, which was surprisingly 1lb thinner (1lb sexier, 1lb closer to my new super model career)!  Then they threw up an inspirational quote “to keep up my momentum.” 

 

 

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.”

-Thomas Jefferson

(btw, this is e-diets motivational pic, not mine)

 

 

 

I bet Thom was talking about weight loss; he struggled the same as I. This inspired me to change my plan off the Glycemic thing and on to a basic e-diet plan. I already love the new plan, because for lunch it says to have a Lean Cuisine beans and rice with salad and yogurt!  This sounds like a very satisfying lunch, but I’m planning on a chili dog for lunch! Okay, so tomorrow is a new day, or whatever. Tomorrow I plan to munch on Uncle Ben’s Ready Rice, Spanish style. I have very low expectations, very low.

 

I’ll leave you with some fun pics, compliments of http://www.funpic.hu/en.index.php.

I know this indicates otherwise, but I swear this is in Mesquite, TX.

 

   

 My co-workers and me on our way to work.

   WTF!  I’m scared.

 

 

Next post, I promise will be my dad’s favorite movies, of all time. He’s really putting a lot of thought into each movie selection.  He said, “I have to pick carefully, what if I’m stuck with these my whole life.”  I don’t even know what that means, so I can’t argue with it.