Your available checking account balance is…

This was a shocking thing to see in the morning.  But, the good news for me, it’s been much worse and as I remind myself more often than not , this too shall pass. I don’t remember the exact number, because I’m not a mathematician, but the largest negative balance I’ve had was around -$850. I know what you’re thinking.  How could this happen? And I hate to tell you, but it happens very easily.  I blame my bank.  They should stop me from making purchases I can’t afford.  What and I doing banking with a company that allows such a practice.  Fools.  They should know me by now.

So, maybe you’re also thinking, was it worth it?  Well, as a matter of fact, it was.  All the tragedies and mistakes in my life have been worth it. And this one is even more worth it, because I have something to show for it. Maybe that’s the difference between sluts and hookers. Sluts will stumble around and land on anything that fits, get up and just walk away empty handed.  Hookers have a goal (money, recognition, a new look for the summer) and if they stumble and fall, they make sure they pick something up to show for it- a wallet, a needle, a joint, an extra belt, a $35 blush brush from MAC (this was the case for me). 

Does that makes sense?

It’s beginning to smell a lot like Christmas

My mom sent an e-mail about family Christmas plans.  She not only sent this e-mai to my sister and me, she sent it to my step-sisters. I know what my reaction was (it included a lot of eye rolling and “what the fucks”) and I can only imagine what my step-sisters are thinking.

What’s going through my mom’s head…don’t get me wrong I like the idea of a cheap Christmas.  This is not a new concept to my family.  My mom has called them a spiritual Christmas in the past. One year she said we had to bring something homemade.  That year I knit everyone a coin purse with their initial.  Super cool gift if you ask me. Another year we were to choose a Christmas carol.  If you’re wondering if this makes for a boring Christmas, you’re right.  Enough delay. Here’s my mom’s e-mail this year.

Her e-mai is in bold and my remarks are in parentheses.

Here’s a couple of  thoughts thrown out for your feedback.  (she’s being passive aggresive.  She’s going to critisize our “feedback” and then go ahead with her plans.  Best bet, is to not give feedback and get drunk on the day of. Any “feedback” will be taken as a challenge to the spirit of Jesus and his birthday celebration.)

 

I know money is tight for everyone this year so I was thinking of ways to save on our presents.  What are your thoughts on a re-gifted Christmas? (my thoughts- don’t do it, the stingy hookers in my family will give me their tired shit.  It won’t be re-gifted it will be old and tired.) No one spends any money on presents. You can look to what you have on hand and see what might make a nice re-gifted present. (I would rather people make something or sing shitty carols)  The only rule is that you can’t spend any money. I’ll bet we all have stuff around that is great stuff but not something you’re using or have ever used. (She’s stressing “never used” ’cause she knows how these hookers do) It would be even better if you have something that was given to you some time back that you are sending back around to the original giver.  If you can’t think of anything, maybe you write up a gift certificate for a day of yard work or painting or planting bulbs in the flower beds with me? (Is she fucking kidding? planting bulbs in the flower bed!?!) Or a day of coffee and cookies at your house?  Or maybe a day on the lake with Mike on the kayaks?  (No one wants to do this shit…is this why its a gift?  I’m surprised she hasn’t said “A coupon promising to go to church with your mother”) Or maybe we just get together and work on a memory book together? (Who is this woman!!! a Fucking memory book.  No fucking way)  Let’s try to add some meaning without so much money.  Wrapping paper can be recycled whatever.  Even the card could be a reused card. Put your brain and your heart to work and not just the purse. (I don’t think my heart has ever worked.)

 

My other thought was drawing names. Eight girls and their guys and then and me and Mike there’s eight gifts would be looking to buy.  What if we put all 10 names in an imaginary hat and we draw names? We set a dollar limit – say $30 max?  (An imaginary hat?  WTF)

 

Put your thinking caps on. (and your feeling caps…remember our hearts are working, too) If you have any other suggestions, throw them out to the group.  Let’s have a fun and meaningful Christmas without putting a financial strain on anyone.

 

Love and hugs! (this is new. She must have been watching back to back Joel Olsteen this weekend. mixed in with a little Quacker Factory on QVC.  click for video–>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-MWQ60YLHE)

My reply to her was an ambiguous…Sounds good to me.  Remember, she’s going to do what she wants.  I gave my step-sisters the heads up and said to just agree now and drink later. 

BTW, I’ll probably go with the memory book option, because she’ll have to provide the pics and crap.  And, I love a good scissor and glue craft.

Loves and hugs, my little thugs.