Things I’m avioding…from now until eternity (because at that point I won’t care)

• puddles
• high fructose corn syrup
• bullies
• sugar
• “enriched” foods
• the Gap (too generic)
• gyms- not my style and I realize that now
• boring books- of course I’ll start a few, but I know when they’re boring.  I won’t put myself through reading an entire boring book.  That’s stupid. The only time you do that is when you’re being tested on that shit.
• trans fats and hydrogenated ones too
• oh, of course saturated fats
• putting things off
• bad spirits
• bad harmony
• bad intentions
• people who don’t take my feelings seriously
• people who can’t laugh at themselves (and people who don’t laugh at me.  I’m fucking hilarious!)
• doughnuts- its really a slippery slope.  I’ll eat them, but only if I make them at home
• staying in bed all day when I’m healthy and able bodied.  Again, another slippery slope.  Even if I just move to the couch, I will move my body out of bed every day.
• fast food that’s marketing as a _____ bowl (burrito bowl, mashed potato bowl, chicken and mashed potato bowl)  Yuck, this shit is gross. But, it taste so good. No, it’s gross, It’s gross, it’s gross, it’s gross. 
• elastic waist band britches in public- that elastic waist is a slippery slope towards hippo waist size
• velvet shirts- lame, just don’t do it

It’s really beautiful outside today and I plan on enjoying.  I’ve just finished my tomato soup and I’ll take my dog Big Chuck out for a walk.  That should give the crane and boom hoist enough time to arrive.  I’ll need those for my bike ride.  Because I haven’t hoisted this lard tubby self onto a bike in a while and I’ll need professional assistance. I hate being fat.  Good news is that after a week of eating reasonable and walking 1 mile a day….I’ve lost a pound.  A whole pound.  Who knew eating less and exercising more would cause wight loss?

One down and 400 more to go!

I want to be a skinny bitch—

I googled “skinny bitches tips”…I don’t want to buy the book.  Anyways…it only returned stupid shit like,

1. Cut down on your alcohol intake.

2. Cut down on your fast food intake.

3. Exercise regularly.

I’m not doing this shit. I want to starve, take pills, or do stupid stretch/breathing techniques like the hooker below (p.s. I’m starting this shit tonight!).  I need help with the correct way to starve, not proper eating habits.

HELP. 

Some of my ideas include eating grass (organic, of course), decoupaging my refrigerator with skinny bitches in bikinis, or having a strict cigarette and soda diet.

I’m going to go back to eating my oatmeal while I ponder my weekend of gluttony. (which, includes the consumption of half a buttermilk pie)

Bullshit, right?

I was taking a healthy, provided by law, break from my daily work, when I saw an ad online. (I needed to rest my eyes and neck and back. I’m really out of shape.  How bad is it that sitting for too long hurts.)

I was playing this fun crossword puzzle thing, I’m sure you’ve all heard of it, the crickler, when I saw an ad for Rudraksha. I clicked the ad, I had to. (does anybody else see boobies?)

I’m facinated with trinkets and charms that promise good fortune (like crosses, four leaf clovers, prayer beads).  This trinket promised a happy married and family life.  Alone, rudraksha are the little beads that make up a prayer bead necklace, but when they are conjoined like Siamese twins, divinity occurs. (insert Om)

The websites description (I left in the spelling errors):

Two Rudraksha that are naturally joined is called Gauri shankar Rudraksha. It is recommened for happy married life. It destroyes all obsticles in way of marriage of it’s wearer. If a man worships Gauri Shankar at his worshipping place, the pain and suffering and other earthly obstacles are destroyed and the peace and pleasure of family are increased. In Puranas the bead of Gauri Shankar is regarded the best for happy family life. When any recommendation is in need of a synergistic enhancement to accelerate the effects of the Mala design, Gauri Shankar is recommended and is added directly on the back of the neck over the spine where the Kundalini flows. blah blah blah

You can wear them, hold them, or wait, wait…place them on your altar. You should avoid wearing on your hand, since your hands are so filthy from all those evening activities. There’s even a ritual involved in wearing this thing, chants and all.  I’m sure this is a valid and clearly very ancient practice.  I bet my sister has one of the beads.  Oh did I mention one divine Siamese-twin bead will cost you $100USD  + $30USD to ship, they are authentically shipped from India. There’s another rare rudraksha that will cost you $525USD!!!  But, shit its totally worth it. 

 

p.s. I’m still working out regulary (3xtimes/week) but I don’t use my e-diets subscription.  I log on and look at recipes, which just makes me hungry, which leads to a cookie (preferably Grandma’s Cookies). So far, in 2 1/2 months of working out (I subtract 2 weeks due to my vacation and vacation recovery) I’ve lost 12 pounds of fat.  If I could just pull my fat ass together and stop eating like a pothead I would loose more. Food is such an abusive friend of mine. You all just don’t understand our love!!!

p.p.s  Don’t do a Google Image search for fat girls.  It’s not worth it.

You carry your weight so well for a big girl

I’ve signed up for e-diets.  I must do something to save myself from myself; I’m out of control. Here’s my food diary from yesterday.

 

9:30 am– 1 donut (I was honest to sun-god hungry.)

11:15 am– 2 doughnuts (I was still hungry and sat through a long meeting fantasizing about my  doughnuts. What a rush of euphoria when I bit into that doughy ring of sweetness.)

12:30 pm– shared a bowl of queso (cheese, ground beef, guacamole, and sour cream) Chips and salsa Tortilla soup (this was lunch, but I was stuffed with delight after eating)

2:00 pm– 1 doughnut (I wasn’t really hungry, but sleepy.  And in my mind a doughnut will wake me up. This is when smoking would be helpful in losing weight.  If I smoked I would just go have a cig when I was sleepy or hungry or bored or stressed or daydreaming or talking or walking or awake or living- you know all the times I eat.)

2:30 pm–  1 doughnut (thankfully the last- again just wanted a snackie-snack, not really hungry)

3:30 pm– half a scrumptious candy bar thingy that included cake and strawberry filling. Yummy! (I remembered I had this delightful snack and had to enjoy it right away.)

8:30 pm– bowl of black beans with two slices of Havarti cheese (I was honestly hungry and it was dinner time.)

10:00 pm– bowl of Frosted Flakes, with fat free milk.  (This was an evening snack to help me go to sleep.  Also, I ate more than I wanted because when I went to pouring the flakes out they just bombarded the bowl and a bit more got out than I would have liked. And, everyone knows it’s rude to put cereal back in the box after they’ve escaped, what kind of karma would I be in store for if I put it back.)

 

This is probably a total of 3,000 calories. I’m disgusting, and my behavior is inexcusable.  I’m not sure the e-diets will help much, because I’ll still have to follow the shit.  Whatevs.

 

I’ve joined the Glycemic Index Diet plan. Here’s my plan for tomorrow.

 

Breakfast: Scrambled Eggs with Cheese, wheat bread and peanut butter (this is okay, but they want me to use egg whites…I’ll probably…no, I will use the entire egg.)

Snack one: Triscuits and ham (three fucking Triscuits!)

Lunch: Lean Cuisine (250 calories- bullshit but I’ll do it)

Snack two: Egg salad with pita (I have to pick another snack, this one involves a skillet)

Dinner: Turkey Sloppy Joe with salad (now we’re talking)

 

At the end of the day, I’m going to be hungry.  But if I plan my TV schedule accordingly I should be able to occupy my down time (a.k.a. not shoveling food into my mouth time) and get through the evening.  E-diets offers some wonderful and relatable tips.  For example, instead of telling me that I can walk for 45 mins and burn XXX calories. They tell me that in 45 minutes I can burn one tostada. If I want to burn off my two burritos I’ll have to walk 102 minutes.  It’s like they’ve been following me around. How much walking to burn off a bowl of queso and 5 doughnuts?

 

Hopefully with some dietary guidance (I won’t follow it strictly, but I will pay close attention) and my workouts I’ll see some physique improvements.  I’ve been serious about working out this week and haven’t missed a day!  I even weighed myself this morning and my little IKEA scale was showing a one pound loss.  Only 400 pounds to go!

 

Let me know if you want any of the recipes from tomorrow’s meal.  The Triscuits and ham is a very impressive crowd pleaser. 

 

I’m off to lunch- a Lebanese buffet.  Let the fantasizing begin.

 

What can you look forward to…my next blog, of course.  It’s going to be about my dad’s all time favorite movies.  It’ll be good. Promise.