Thank you. You’re welcome. Bend over. Fuck off.

I don’t know what it is about me, but I am irresistible to men of color and older white men. The Hispanic men love me, the Middle Eastern men love me, and the black  men love me.  Oh, I forgot hippies, they love me too. The older white dudes, like most white men, are hard to read.  Sometimes they stare, hard, from across the way.  Or they peek at me through a magazine or book.  I suppose, they’re being discreet.  Discretion is not at all what the other gentlemen practice. They are blatant and abruptly to their point. Which, in the end,  their point is a compliment, I think.  And, like the lady I am I accept graciously.

Today, such an abrupt moment happened.  I was waiting to board the bus when an older (50-60) black man approached me.  He said, “Thank you.”  Remember I have my ear buds in, so I removed them and replied, “What’s that?”  He repeated, “Thank you.”  I said, “For what?”  My suitor says, “For showing that figure off.”  The only thing to say was, “Thank you.”  Then he started in, it’s like they can’t contain their words.  He told me I was the kind of woman that makes a man cheat.  Again, your welcome and onto the bus I went.

This got me thinking about the other lines I’ve heard in the past. And I know this sort of thing happens to others. You know who you are, my fellow hookers.  Ms. K is a prime example.  We’ve been together and heard some things from dudes that is fucking ridiculous. I guess they think they’re complimenting us, or telling us about their “powers”, I don’t know. Maybe we have friendly faces or maybe its are boobies.  No, it’s our friendly faces.

It’s been explained to me that men who are into me, are men who have had many women. You see, because they have so much experience they know what they want in a women, physically and sexually, that is.  Again, I think these are compliments. At lease that’s how I’m going to take them. I  have a feeling that when they think them in their head, they just don’t realize what it will sound like when it comes out. Or maybe these lines have worked on chicks before.

It all goes back to “getting in my pants” something my dad warned me about when I was ten.  (I had all my “coming of age” talks early because I’m the youngest.  My sister is three years older than I, and my parents were really overworked and tired.  So killing two birds with one stone, or ruining two adolescents with one talk was preferred.)

not a hero, but she has my shirt onOkay, so maybe I dress like a slut.  Or have a face like a slut.  I’ve been told on three occasions, by three different men, well one teenager and two men, that I have “dick sucking lips.”  Okay, now that I’m writing this, I must look like a slut for guys to talk to me like that.  Maybe it’s the pumps, maybe it’s the tight skirts or the red lips.  Or maybe it’s the shirt that reads “I’m a slut and open for business.”  In any case, I’m in good company and I’d rather be a slut than a bore.

 

 

 

 

 

So, I’ll continue to put some bass in my walk.  Some of my heroes and fellow sluts…

blanche

eltongoggles

cinderella-pose

oprah

madonnaroselandgi4

 

queen-mum

rupaul-ho

julia-child-with-rolling-pins

 

259328cher-posters

koko-and-mr-rogers

In case you didn't know, this is Koko- the sign language gorilla- with Mr. Rogers. Both are my heroes.

wizarddorothy2

richard-simmons

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Fat-so

donuts

This morning I gorged on 2 dozen donut holes. 

What was I thinking!!!  2 dozen, that’s 24 little round nibbles. Why?  because I have a few minutes to kill while waiting on the bus. I stuffed these bite size bits of fatty sugar into my mouth one-by-one. I washed them down with Mountain Dew. 

If Richard Simmons was around he would have shrieked and probably stabbed himself. I have felt terrible all day, about eating 2 dozen donut holes. Not physically bad, but emotionally and mentally bad.  I felt like shit while I was eating them, too.  Every time I popped one in my mouth I thought people on the bus were judging me.  Thinking to themselves, “how does she continue to shove those down her throat.”  People where no doubt asking, “is that a never-ending bag of donut holes?” and “Where does one buy something so wonderful?”

Then I started to think about the caloric impact on my bodacious bod.  Check it, here’s the math…

  24 donut holes
x52 calories, per hole
1,248 calories  (add my Mountain Dew, the total is 1,398)

1,398!!! that’s my total daily calorie allowance.  I’m a fat cow! 

Sweet on Nov 11, 2008

Sweet on Nov 11, 2008

 I need Richard to sweat into the oldies with me.  Have you ever watched these videos?  After the workout the whole gang dances through a Soul Train line. When they reach the end of the line and they’re standing in front of the camera they give a cheesy smile or a head bob and we see how much weight they lost.  It’s usually 50-200 pounds.  Some people wear  legwarmers or a fun sweat band and some people have on regular clothes.  You know, because regular people loose weight.  Lucky for you all I found a video on You Tube of this fun dance off!!!  It’s wonderful!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVeINlrliXk

Can this be happening? I hope so.

It’s looking hopeful.  I’ll be up late and hate myself tomorrow. 

No I won’t I’ll.  I’ll be pumped!

I’ve been watching all the cable news channels, but I always go back to MSNBC.  I have a crush on Chris Matthews.  He’s my brainiac boyfriend.  Talk smart to me Chris.  Here’s some pics I love off Mr. Matthews.  

He's

He's looking at me- I always make him laugh. He always makes me think.

 

matthews-obama

  

I’m going to go eat some rice crispies (I still have some Richard Simmons Deal-a-Meal cards available)

WHY?

WHY? My favorite part of this pic -the bikini tan lines.